Thursday, April 24, 2008

Tequila is the Quaff of the Mentally Bankrupt

I am forced to work in an inglorious hovel that exists only to serve tourists, a group of people whose wealth has so saturated their collective consciousness that they travel to mundane places to justify their pathetic and moribund existences. Listening to their inane supper chatter is as painful as listening to Pearl Jam destroy a classic Who anthem. The only thing that makes attending to such sheep tolerable is alcohol, which both loosens their wallets and silences their pitiable personalities.

Of late, however, I have found an increasing number of tourists enjoy consuming the distillate of the agave plant in massive quantities. This boorish and stupid activity transforms normally complacent fools into loud and obnoxious ignoramii, spouting catchphrases derived from their television sets. These people are brainwashed by the media, like hopeless mice in a laboratory maze with no exits, American Idol and Grey's Anatomy the rotting cheese. And for a reason unknown to this humble intellectual, tequila is the newest drug, used to sedate the masses for whatever imperialist purposes lie behind the red tape and closed doors that now represent this country's "highest" office.

The day will come when those inebriated and incompetent sacks of shit will be forced to answer for their pathetic decisions, and their realities will be buried beneath a tide of self-awareness. The only fermented beverage fit to be consumed by an educated man is vodka, the perfect alcohol, clear as crystal, carefully crafted over hundreds of years of labor and toil. A chilled glass of excellent vodka is as close as one in my unfortunate position can get to perfection, where I can relax for a moment from my never-ending struggle to save this doomed citizenry, and imagine society as it should be, free from the oppressive chains that bind every corner of this Atlantean nation.


  1. wow fuck you - you sack of shit. pearl jam's coverage of the "who" is not only better than the original, but also puts townsend to shame when compared with vedder.

  2. Jonesy,

    I am a tourist coming to Philadelphia in May. I was planning to take a tour such as "ride the ducks". Would you recommend them or another company? Also, could you recommend some shopping in the downtown area?



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