Sunday, May 4, 2008

NFL Offseason Power Rankings

Sorry guys,

I have been remiss in my NFL predictions as of late, as I have been trying to make sense of the "intelligence" of the right-wing. Alas, gone are the days of foraying into the realm of the inane at, and back are my days as an NFL expert. Enjoy my offseason team-by-team power rankings, with my predicted record in parentheses.

1. New England Patriots (20-0). Last year was an aberration. The Patriots were deliciously close to being undefeated Super Bowl champions. This year they will go undefeated throughout the season and playoffs, and start every single one of their players in the Pro Bowl, which they will also win. This franchise has come a long way since the days of Steve Grogan, John Stephens, and Hart Lee Dykes. This team will roll. Welcome to Utopia.

2. Jacksonville Jaguars (14-2) Jack Del Rio really knows what he is doing down in the swamps. Kicking that sack of shit Byron Leftwich to the curb last year was smart, drafting 2 defensive ends to an already top-caliber defense was brilliant. Unfortunately, the Jags play in the same conference as the Pats, so they are blocked from the Super Bowl.
3. Philadelphia Iggles (12-4) In one of the biggest coups since the 18th Brumaire of Louis Bonaparte, the Iggles signed an absolute monster cornerback away from the Patriots in Asante Samuel, filling their biggest need in the process. As the law of averages would suggest, Donovan McNabb will finally play a full season and be MVP runner-up to Tom Brady. Brian Westbrook will run AND catch for 1000 yards, and will be an unstoppable, dynamic force. Look for the offense to also be bolstered by a midsummer night’s dream trade for Chad Johnson. The defense will struggle against the run at times, but in an uncharacteristically weak NFC East, it will not matter. Expect to see the Iggles fall just short to the Patriots in the Super Bowl. Also, expect to see Andy Reid top 500 pounds.

4.Houston Texans (12-4) This will finally be the year the Texans get their gubbins together and make the playoffs. If I had my druthers, I would say that the David Carr to Andre Johnson duo will explode for 18 touchdowns behind a revamped offensive line. The defense will also be better than anything the Oilers ever put on the field.

5. Minnesota Vikings (11-5) A late season collapse cost the Vikings a playoff berth last year. The likelihood of that happening this year is nil. The Vikings recently bolstered their already fantastic defense by adding all-pro DE Jared Allen. I have already given them a nickname… The Purple Proletariat Eaters. The offense will be sparked by 2000 yard threat Adrian ‘Purple Jesus’ Petersen and solid if not spectacular Tavarias Jackson at quarterback.

6. Dallas Cowboys (10-6) One of the up-and-coming teams in the NFC East. Look for Tony Romo to finally gel with his disgustingly good pass-catching targets Terrell Owens, Jason Witten, and Terry Glenn. The Big Tuna has been doing some fine work with the defense in recent seasons, and he will have one of the top units in the NFC with the addition of Pac Man Jones, who will make it rain. Unfortunately, the Boys will be in the same division as the juggernaut Iggles, but should contend for a wild card berth.

7. Oakland Raiders (11-5) The Raiders are rising faster than the 1968 French working class. Darren McFadden was a steal at the 4th overall pick and will immediately be a premier back who takes pressure away from up-and-coming star Jamarcus Russell. Combine this with probable down years from recent division powerhouses Denver and San Diego, and the Raiders will coast to the division title.

8. Atlanta Falcons (10-6) Matt Ryan is the next Dan Marino. He will be amazing as long as he doesn’t decide to run an illegal cat-fighting ring in West Chester. If he does, I nominate Alabama as the grand champion. She is lean, hungry, and scrappy, and has recently beaten all the weak-ass dogs in the house in what can only be described as a “dogfight.”

9. Pittsburgh Steelers (10-6) The difference between the Steelers and the rest of their division is summed up in an understanding of the difference between Marx and the Young Hegelians. Socialism is better than German Idealism. This is all you need to know.

10. Cleveland Browns (9-7) My cat, Alabama told me that the Browns are going to be good this year, but what does she know? She hasn’t eaten in weeks.

11. Indianapolis Colts (9-7) On the verge of finally winning it all, and what happens? Marvin Harrison has to go and shoot people. I expect he will go to prison, and the all-world passing attack of the Colts will come down to earth after their brilliance last year.

12. San Diego Chargers (8-8) Although I think Ladanian Tomlinson is poised to have the breakout year we have all been waiting for, I think the rest of this team is littered with downside boys and retreads. Not even close to the level on which the Raiders will be playing.

13. Kansas City Chiefs (7-7) Imagine how good this team would be right now if Derrick Thomas hadn’t passed away. As it stands, they are mediocre, although Brodie Croyle is emerging as a perennial all-pro quarterback. And they had an amazing draft.

14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (8-8) Mediocrity makes cowards of us all.

15. Chicago Bears (8-8) Stellar defense, atrocious offense leads Jonesy to wish he was still allowed to post on

16. Washington Redskins (7-9) Seriously, Daniel Snyder is the epitome of the ruling class pigs who exploit the means of production in our society. I have no room for this in my dialectic, and I will accordingly predict the Skins to miss the playoffs entirely. Also, fuck Rock Cartwright.

17. Tennessee Titans (8-8) Vince Young will never develop into a quality NFL passer if he is not surrounded by able bodied receivers who can actually catch the ball. As this issue was addressed neither via free agency nor the draft, the Titans will toil in mediocrity for yet another season.

18. Seattle Seahawks (12-4) Although they will coast to a division title, winning the sad sack of shit NFC West will be as impressive as Pol Pot’s human rights record. Look for Shaun Alexander to have a rebound year.

19. St. Louis Rams (6-10) One of the more uninteresting teams in the league, one can only wish back to the days of Willie “Flipper” Anderson and Henry Ellard. Blah.

20. San Francisco 49ers (5-11) Blah, blah, blah. I am going to play Tecmo Super Bowl.

21. Arizona Cardinals (4-12) The offense should be explosive as former MVP Kurt Warner will put up mega-stats, firing passes all over the field to his stud receivers Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin. The defense is a different story. They are terrible. Seriously, the only guys on this unit who are even worth mentioning are Freddie Joe Nunn, Cedric Mann, and Garth Jax, obviously.

22. Carolina Panthers (6-8) This team has some really good players and some really bad players. Really good players = Steve Smith, Julius Peppers. Really bad = everyone else.

23. Green Bay Packers (4-12) The fact that Brett Favre will be returning for one more season really pissed me off. That lying sack of shit has been pretending to retire for years, and has cost Green Bay fans any chance at seeing their once proud franchise rebuilt. Everybody knows Aaron Rodgers is a guy who deserves a chance.

24. Baltimore Ravens (5-11) This will be the year that Brian Billick finally proves to the league that he is an offensive genius. Kyle Boller will have his long awaited breakthrough. Too bad the defense has become old and decrepit.

25. Denver Broncos (6-10) “I don’t like soft-ass shit.” The Rock is a good movie. The Broncos will blow up.

26. Cincinnati Bengals (4-11) It is criminal that an offense this good has been coupled with a defense that has packed as much punch as a midori sour. They will sorely miss Chad Johnson.

27. Detroit Lions (4-12) The only chance this team has is Barry Sanders coming out of retirement. And in other news, Matt Millen drafted a wide receiver.

28. Atlanta Falcons (1-15) Michael Vick’s chicanery has destroyed this franchise for decades. The loss of one of the game’s best quarterbacks has left the Falcons in shambles.

29. New Orleans Saints (1-16) How pathetically, pathetically old the Saints have gotten. Steve Walsh has seen better days at QB, and the once fearsome running back tandem of Dalton Hilliard and Craig Ironhead Heyward has aged ungracefully. The receiving corps and line are terrible, as is the defense, with the exception of the linebacking unit of Pat Swilling, Sam Mills, Vaughan Johnson, and Ricky Jackson.

30. Miami Dolphins (0-12-4)

31. Buffalo Bills (0-12-4) I like to clap when I see this miserable pile of shit. Clap my hands over my eyes, that is. They may not score a point all year.

32. New York Jets (0-12-4) About as relevant as the fallacious “arguments” elicited by the sacks of shit at


1 comment:

Hey guys, please be polite.